Lunch with Luke “_FULL-FRONTAL_” Schwognz
You have to look back to the 1970’s and the emergence of a young Stu Ungar to find another player who has come even close to achieving the same seismic impact upon the game of poker that Luke “_FULL-FRONTAL_” Schwognz has achieved upon his emergence as a true great of the game, for almost a whole month.
UKPOKERINFO have been fortunate enough to be granted an interview with the great man and couldn’t say no to an opportunity to get inside the mind of _FULL-FRONTAL_ over a coke and an egg sandwich!
UKPOKERINFO: So Luke wh…
FULL-FRONTAL: _FULL-FRONTAL_ pooolease beyartch, never, ever, ever call me Luke, unless you want me to bring the pain broseph, and when you call be _FULL-FRONTAL_ don’t forget to pronounce the underscores, or I’ll cut you, capiche?
UKPOKERINFO: Ermmm, sure whatever you want, _FULL-FRONTAL_.. Erm what’s it like being the most feared player in the game and a true legend of poker… for the last month or so?
_FULL-FRONTAL_: Man all these old dudes just keep dissing me and are like “You ain’t no legend of the game until you played for seventy years boy”, well fuck them, init, I’m the best there’s ever been, I’ve proved it for the whole of the last month, init.
UKPOKERINFO: Is this what the altercation at the EPO between you and Doyle Brunson was about?
_FULL-FRONTAL_: No that old fool just be tripping because I drove his spaz cart to the One-Stop down the road and loaded it up with diamond white and Pringles, well I’m not paying those fucking DTD prices, init.
UKPOKERINFO: Doyle’s not the only high profile player you’ve upset recently, wasn’t there another incident involving Daniel Negreanu at the same event?
_FULL-FRONTAL_: Yeah! That guy’s such a fag, he criticised the way I played a hand against him, so I like, put him over my knee and spanked his arse like a bongo.
UKPOKERINFO: Really, how did he react to that?
_FULL-FRONTAL_: He seemed to like it; in the end I think was more upset than him as I could feel his baby chubby rubbing against my leg, just disgusting init?
UKPOKERINFO: Errm, moving on.. You’ve been dominating online poker of late, is there anyone you fear?
_FULL-FRONTAL_: No there all pussies and I’m the king of poker, my game is so deep no-one can touch it, I’ve been crushing for nearly a month now so I’ve proved it. Dwan, the Dang’s, Ivey there all scared of me.
UKPOKERINFO: It’s funny though whenever you sit down there is instantly a waiting list of sixty plus players, it’s almost as if a number of high stakes online players just think you’re a great big fish whose been running hotter than the sun and there all just waiting in line for a chance to break you?
FULL-FRONTAL: No, that’s not it at all… they all want to play me because I’m the best and they all want to prove themselves against the best, that’s what it is init.
UKPOKERINFO: OK, Sure.. Whatever you say, where do you think you will be in say, 18 months time?
_FULL-FRONTAL_: Well I would think within the next month or so Full Tilt will beg me to stop breaking there high stakes regs and join there team and then they might finally give me my chat back, fucking admintards.
UKPOKERINFO: So why did they take away your chat?
_FULL-FRONTAL_: Well I was playing the biggest spaz-tard of them all, Durrrr and I sucked out on him because he played the hand so poorly, then he started having a go, so I had a go back, yet Full Tilt took my chat away and did nothing to him!
UKPOKERINFO: That doesn’t sound fair, what did you say to Durrrr?
_FULL-FRONTAL_: All I said was that I hoped his mother and father and all his family died in a grease fire, then on the day of their funeral he found out he had cancer and his balls dropped off, and then the day after that happened his gay lover left him cos he had no balls, and the day after that he was arrested for being a donkey rapping shit eater and by the time he was finally released from prison the inmates of B-wing had left him with an arsehole like a clowns pocket and so none of the gays he hangs around with would want to touch him with a barge pole, so he then killed himself because he couldn’t get any cock, init.
UKPOKERINFO: Ohhh… and what did Durrrr say to trigger this?
_FULL-FRONTAL_: Nice hand.
UKPOKERINFO: Just nice hand? That’s all he said?
_FULL-FRONTAL_: Yeah, but you see, he didn’t actually mean nice hand.
UKPOKERINFO: Ohh.. I get it.
_FULL-FRONTAL_: That’s the way it is when you’re from the streets like I am, I be handling my bizznesssss.
UKPOKERINFO:Do you think being from the streets might hold you back in the business of poker?
_FULL-FRONTAL_: No not really, my daddy.. erm old man was a business man, you know on the streets man…
UKPOKERINFO: What streets?
_FULL-FRONTAL_: Fulham and Knightsbridge mostly, his a merchant bankerrrrrm drug dealer, word. Init.
UKPOKERINFO: Well Luke go….
At this point _FULL-FRONTAL_ punched our reporter in the face and then stole his egg sandwich before running from the casino shouting “I’ll cut you, if you touch me!” whilst waving a plastic spork at anyone who came within a ten foot radius.
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PMSL!!!!!!!